All of Me Read online

  She would have been mortified to know he could see it there – hanging on for dear life when every instinct she had told her to let it go.

  “Do you trust me, Stella?”

  An errant tear leaked out of her right eye and slid down the side of her face. “Yes. And that’s what scares me. Because Ryan hurt me, but you have the power to destroy me.”

  Nathan grabbed her. For the third time tonight. But this time he wasn’t letting go.

  Hand cradling her head, he pulled her ear to his lips. “I want you so badly I can hardly stand it.”

  Stella’s knees buckled and Nathan’s hold tightened.

  “I don’t believe you,” she whispered.

  “I swear to you, I have never wanted a woman more. And I never will. It’s not pretty and it’s not what you deserve, but I need you to believe it.” Nathan nuzzled the soft skin behind her ear. “I have never wanted to do anything more than I want to fuck you right now. I want it so badly I can hardly breathe.”

  Stella gasped then exhaled a little moan that made his knees weak.

  He inhaled her delicious coconut/vanilla scent and kissed her temple. “I’m…” When fear and doubt crept into his thoughts, Nathan forced himself to be as brave as Stella had been. “Obviously I’m terrible with words. And I’m sure this won’t come out right. But I need to be with you, Stella. Right now.” Nathan buried his face in her neck and inhaled. “I need to be inside of you…please, Stella.” Nathan slipped a hand beneath her dress and groaned when his fingertips found damp panties. He panted against her cheek. “Goddamn it, Stella…I can’t wait any more…”

  She took mercy on him, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him with complete abandon.

  Chapter Twelve

  Nathan broke their kiss long enough to say, “Bed. Now.”

  Stella yanked his lips back to hers and slowly backed up. But they never made it to the bed. Or even the bedroom. They only got two steps into the hallway before Nathan lifted her up, turned, and slammed her back against the wall; his huge forearm taking the brunt of his enthusiasm.

  “Hurry,” Stella begged, popping the first three buttons of his shirt off with a hard yank. She pushed her hands beneath the loosened shirt and shoved it back, desperate to see – and taste – as much of his skin as she could. The hallway was dark and Stella couldn’t get a good look, but she could still taste and touch. After a quick nip to his collarbone, she ran her hands all over his shoulders, pecs, and biceps appreciatively. His body was as incredible as she’d imagined. And that smell – his smell – hung in the air, driving her crazy.

  Nathan shoved her skirt up with his free hand and yanked her panties to the side.

  Stella cried out when the backs of his fingers brushed against her clitoris. “Please, Nathan…now!”

  With impressive agility and speed, Nathan undid his belt, unzipped his pants, and got them down enough to get the job done.

  He met her eyes; his own hooded. “Are you sure, Stella? I don’t want to hurt you.”

  Later, Stella would have the wherewithal to appreciate Nathan’s consideration, but at that moment, she nearly screamed. Actually, she did scream.

  “Nathan, please!”

  He entered her in one hard thrust and they cried out together.

  “Fuck!” Nathan captured her mouth again; sucking her tongue into his as he drove himself into her over and over again.

  It didn’t take long for Stella to teeter on the precipice of orgasm. She broke away from the kiss, tightened her arms around his neck, and buried her face in neck. Three hard thrusts later, she broke apart; screaming out his name as the massive waves of pleasure rippled through her body. The sensations were everywhere – over every inch body.

  As she floated through her orgasmic haze, Nathan continued his onslaught.

  “Oh, God!” A few seconds later, Nathan stilled and Stella felt the amazing jerks of his orgasm filling her up again and again and again. She held onto him tightly as his whole body shook with each shudder of his orgasm until finally he sagged against her with a contented sigh that made Stella smile against his shoulder.

  They stayed that way for a few minutes until, with one final shudder, Nathan pulled out of her and slowly set her back on her feet. He pulled his boxers up and stumbled back a few steps until he bumped into the opposite wall. His pants were still around his ankles, his shirt was dirty and torn, and his bottom lip was bleeding from an overzealous nip.

  He was the sexiest thing she’d ever seen. And he looked utterly shell-shocked.

  “Yeah. I know.” Stella patted his arm as she passed by on her way to the bedroom. “Come on.”

  Stella kicked off her shoes and tossed a bunch of clothes, papers, and her stethoscope onto her bedside table. She belly flopped onto her disheveled comforter and tangled sheets before rolling to her side.

  She propped her head on her hand and patted the spot next to her. “Come lie down with me.”

  Nathan removed his shoes and set them, perfectly aligned, at the foot of her bed. He gingerly stretched out next to Stella so they were face to face, lying across her bed.

  Stella ran her palm over his head. She trailed a fingertip down until it rested on his scabbed lip then tugged at his ripped shirt. “You’re in some kind of shape, Officer Drazek. I think I got a little too rough with you.”

  “I loved it,” he said all growly and emphatic and Stella grinned.

  “Me too.” Stella planted a quick kiss on him. She laughed throatily when Nathan came back after her lips; rolling on top of her and pressing her back onto the mattress. She wrapped her arms around his neck and opened her legs so he could settle his pelvis there. Stella was shocked to feel an erection pressing into her thigh.

  She broke their kiss and took Nathan’s face into her hands. Stella lifted her pelvis slightly and smiled. “I wouldn’t have thought it physiologically possible. I’m flattered.”

  Nathan flushed. He dipped his head down to nuzzle in her neck. Stella shivered when he traced her ear with his tongue.

  “Nathan?”

  “Hmmm…”

  “I want to tell you something.”

  “Hmmm…” He was very busy dipping his tongue into the hollow of her throat and Stella was very busy melting into putty beneath that tongue.

  Stella exhaled a half-laugh, half-sigh and tugged at his neck. “You’ve got to stop doing that or I’ll never get out what I’m trying to say.”

  Nathan lifted his head so their eyes could meet. Stella knew she’d never get tired of staring into those whiskey-colored wells of sadness and sweetness.

  Stella wanted to tell him that her cancer was probably back. That she’d most likely be spending the next 6-9 months sick, tired, and recovering from another surgery. She wanted to tell him that she’d understand if he didn’t want to expose himself to that. They’d only know each other for a short time…she wanted him to know that he had no obligation to do anything other than wish her well and take off.

  But Stella didn’t want to ruin this moment. She’d had enough moments ruined by sad cancer crap for one lifetime.

  So she said the only other thing in her heart and on her mind. “I want you to know I have never experienced anything like that before. Not ever. Not even close. I want you to know that it was beautiful and amazing and special and something I’ll never forget.” She caressed his cheek with the back of her fingers. “Thank you.”

  Nathan’s entire body went rigid.

  And not in a good way.

  He pushed himself up on his knees and braced his hands on his thighs. “What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  The little crinkle between her eyes appeared. “What?”

  “What, are you kicking me out?

  Stella shook her head. “Nathan-“

  “Sure sounded like a ‘fuck-off’ to me.”

  Nathan was spiraling, but couldn’t stop. His feelings were all jumbled up and his nerve endings were exposed and he was still reeling from the most emoti
onal, intense experience of his life. Mix in the emotional maturity of a twelve year old and you had nothing but a recipe for Big, Juicy Clusterfuck.

  She searched his face. “Me describing what we shared as ‘beautiful, amazing, and special’ sounded like ‘fuck-off’ to you?”

  Stella wasn’t being sarcastic. Her question was entirely sincere and that only served to piss Nathan off more.

  “Why are you saying you’ll never forget it? And thanking me, for Christ’s sake!” Nathan scoffed. “What next, an FTD bouquet? Maybe they have a ‘thanks for the good, hard fuck’ arrangement. Should I be expecting that on my doorstep tomorrow?”

  “Nathan!” Stella propped up on her elbows. “Where is this coming from?”

  Nathan knew exactly it was coming from, but his fucked-up childhood was not Stella’s problem. Not her problem and none of her business.

  “I’m out of here.” Nathan swung his leg over Stella’s body and rolled off her bed.

  “The hell you are!” Stella scrambled after him and stood, teetering on the edge of the bed, still clutching the top of her dress. She got right into Nathan’s face as he shoved his feet into his shoes.

  “I don’t know what you heard, Nathan, but that was not a fuck-off or a good-bye or anything else like that.” Stella sighed. “Nathan, will you please look at me?”

  He leveled his best I couldn’t give any less of a fuck gaze on her.

  She cupped his face. “Listen, I’m afraid too. Actually, scratch that. I’m not afraid - I’m terrified. I’ve spent the six months pushing people away; telling myself that being alone wasn’t so bad and that not trusting anyone – especially men – was the only way to survive. And I was doing okay, you know? I was hanging in there. I made my peace with Ryan’s betrayal. I realized he wasn’t the man I’d thought he was and I wasn’t the judge of character I’d thought I was and tried my best to let it go.

  I survived chemo, radiation, and surgery. I started seeing a therapist who really helped me learn to love my new body.” She smiled. “Okay, maybe not love it, but at least accept it. I had my family and my work and my friends. I wasn’t looking for you. I didn’t want to find you. You are my worst nightmare.”

  Stella’s eyes welled up. “But I did find you. We found each other. And now all I can think about is the way you smell and what that tattoo on your shoulder is and how it would feel to sleep wrapped in your arms. I want to hear all of your secrets and tell you all of mine.” Tears slipped down both cheeks. “Because I’ve never felt a connection like this with anyone else.”

  The knot in Nathan’s throat turned into a full-fledged fist. And had his legs not turned to jelly, he would have run for his life.

  “But don’t think for a minute that any of this means I am not scared. I’ve never been more scared in my life. There’s a lot you don’t know about me and a lot I don’t know about you and I have no idea how this will all turn out. But I need you to understand there was no motive behind what I said other than wanting you to know how life-altering the past hour has been for me. I wanted you to know that – even though I’ve had other relationships – nothing I experienced during them came close to what we just shared. That I will treasure this experience no matter what happens in the future. That’s all.”

  The fist in his throat was now the size of a bowling ball.

  Stella quirked a brow, lips curled. “So, no ‘thanks for the good, hard fuck’ bouquet in your future, okay? I don’t want you to be expecting that on your doorstep tomorrow.”

  Nathan hooked his arm around Stella’s knees and yanked, catching her against his chest when her legs went out from under her. He snaked an arm behind her back and eased her back onto the mattress.

  Nathan braced a hand on either side of her face and met her eyes. “I’m…sorry.”

  Stella wrapped her legs around his thighs, pulling their pelvises close together, and smiled coyly. “How sorry?”

  Gypsy she-devil.

  Nathan ground his erection into the cradle of her body and groaned. “Very sorry.”

  Stella laughed throatily. “Wow, that feels incredibly sorry to me, officer.” She ran her hands over his shoulders and down his arms, lingering on his flexed biceps. When she made a little sound of approval in the back her throat, Nathan’s mouth watered.

  Stella tilted her pelvis up. “Okay, I forgive you. Now kiss me.”

  ***

  “Get down! Now!”

  Nathan’s screams and thrashing startled Stella awake. She sat up, blinking against the dark. “Nathan, honey, what’s wrong?” She just barely dodged a flailing arm. “Nathan!”

  His eyes were closed and he was clearly trapped in the throes of a nightmare; face contorted with fear, his forehead clammy, and his limbs jerking wildly.

  She shook his bicep. “Nathan! Nathan!”

  “Get down, god damn it! No!” His head thrashed back and forth against pillow. Nathan mumbled a few words before screaming, “God, no! Please, no!”

  His limbs went limp and his torso began jerking rhythmically.

  “Oh, God…” Stella switched on the side lamp and scrambled to her knees to assess Nathan’s movements, concerned he was having a seizure.

  But Nathan wasn’t seizing. He was crying, tears streaming from both eyes and his body wracked with violent sobs.

  “Nathan!” Stella straddled him and shook both shoulders as hard as she could. “Nathan, honey, wake up!”

  When he continued silently weeping, Stella fought back tears of her own. The piteous, mournful noises Nathan was making were shredding her heart. “Nathan!” She slapped his cheek lightly a few times, but he still didn’t wake up. “Nathan!” Stella slapped his cheek harder.

  Precisely three seconds later, she was face-first into the mattress, her arms behind her, with Nathan sitting on her lower back.

  Stella turned her face so she could breathe. “Nathan!” She panted out a few breaths. “I can’t breathe! You’re hurting me!”

  His body jerked above her. “Oh, my God…” Nathan released her wrists and rolled off. “Oh, my God, Stella…I am so fucking sorry. Are you okay?”

  Stella sat up and pressed a palm to her pounding chest. “I’m fine…I’m fine. You just startled me. Are you okay?”

  Obviously not. Nathan looked like he’d seen a ghost. And he probably had. He was pale, wide-eyed, and damp-faced.

  He squeezed the back of his neck and exhaled a shuddering breath. “Yeah. I’m fine. Just a bad dream.” Nathan looked her up and down. He touched her forearm like he was checking if she was real. “Are you sure you’re okay? I didn’t hurt you?”

  “No, I’m fine.” Stella scooted closer to him and caressed his cheek, searching his eyes. “Nathan, my God…what were you dreaming about?”

  “Nothing in particular. Just one of those bad dreams.” He tried to smile, but failed miserably. “But I feel awful that I jumped on you like that.”

  “That was some maneuver,” Stella said, forcing her own smile. “I think I got an Officer Drazek arrest special.”

  He pulled her into a spooning position. “Huh. Yeah. Sorry about that. Must have been dreaming about police stuff, right?” Nathan molded his body around hers and Stella felt his vibrating.

  She nestled into his arms and rested her cheek against his bicep. “You okay now?”

  “All clear. I mean, yeah, it’s all good. I’m good. Fine.” Nathan nuzzled the nape of her neck and tightened his arms around her.

  He fell asleep a few minutes later, but Stella lied awake; wondering, worrying, and wishing there was a quick, easy way to get to the bottom of Nathan Drazek. But already knowing there wasn’t.

  It occurred to her he’d been nearly fully-clothed both times they made love and he’d just had a hideous nightmare that sounded awfully like the capture of Bin Laden gone wrong. He was emotionally closed off, physically skittish, and very, very guarded.

  ‘Enigma’ didn’t begin to describe this guy. Neither did ‘wounded.’ But she’d figure it all out. And
fix it. Of that she was absolutely sure.

  Stella snuggled in closer and smiled when Nathan sleepily did the same.

  ***

  A few hours later, her doorbell blew up. Stella stole a glance at her alarm clock. 7 am.

  “Shit.”

  Stella slipped out from under Nathan’s arm and scooted off the bed. She tugged her neckline up and her hemline down.

  “Don’t answer it,” Nathan said, his voice husky with sleep.

  Stella ran her hand through her hair as she made her way to the door, scattering bobby pins everywhere. “Trust me, that won’t stop them,” she muttered. She pulled the bedroom door closed behind her and did her ninja creep to the peephole. She was 99.9% sure she knew who was banging on her door like lunatics, but it never hurt to check.

  “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” She’d guessed one, maybe two. But not all of them. “Damn it!”

  “We can hear you, you know,” Fi called out sing-songy. “So you might as well open it up and get this over with, Stell.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Stella flipped open her locks and opened the door. She stood back to let all four of her sisters file into her tiny living room. “What in the hell are you guys doing here? It’s 7 o’clock in the morning!”

  “You haven’t been answering your phone. We’ve all been calling and texting. You’ve been MIA for two days,” Nina said with a knowing look Stella wanted to smack off her face.

  Gigi took a good, hard look at Stella – from her wild hair to her wrinkled dress to the smudged eye makeup. “Dear God, Stella, what the hell happened to you? And whose car is that in your driveway?”

  “I have a pretty good idea,” Fi said softly, before calling out loudly, “Officer Drazek?”

  “Fiorella!” Stella hissed.

  “Who in the hell is Officer…” Gigi paused, brows furrowed. “Did you say ‘Drazek?’”

  “Yeah. No. You guys are killing me!” Stella grabbed one of Gigi’s arms and one of Fi’s and tried pushed them toward the door. “Just go. I’ll call you all later. I’ll call and email and text, okay? Whatever you want. Just, please, get out!”