All of Me Read online

  Stella smiled through her still falling tears. “And as cliché as it sounds, I’m really glad you hurt me that way. It sucked at the time and, for awhile, it really fucked up the way I looked at men, myself, and the world. But the pain also gave me a clarity I would have never had without it. The pain guided me to where I am now and that’s exactly where I should be: with a man who loves me because of my survival and my scar – not in spite of it.”

  Stella exhaled a long, shaky breath. “So, in case you couldn’t tell, I not only don’t want to date you, I’d prefer to never have any contact with you ever again. Because, whether it’s your immaturity, insecurity, or just plain ole cruelty, you are not someone I’d waste a second of my precious life on ever again.”

  Stella walked away from a stunned, slack-jawed Ryan. When she got to the door, she turned around. “Oh, and for the record, Nathan Drazek is the least boring man I’ve ever met. He’s smart and funny and kind and the sexiest man alive as far as I’m concerned. He’s everything you’re not and everything you could never be in a million years.” Stella tapped her lips in faux deep thought. “And since he’s twice the man you’ll ever be, I guess that kind of makes you half a man, huh?”

  Stella served him up a shit-eating grin. “Have a nice life!”

  She pulled open the door, kicked the oxygen canister aside, and slammed the door behind her with a satisfying thwack!

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Nathan picked up his cell. “Hello?”

  “Nathan! Thank God! I’ve been worried sick!” Stella yelled into his ear. “Where in the hell have you been? I’ve been calling for hours!”

  “Sorry. I had a busy night. I just got off work myself.”

  “Nathan, god…I mean, what kind of timing…Christopher told me you came up to see me. That you were there when Ryan was there.” Stella sighed. “I feel like a broken record, but I promise you that nothing is going on between us. He came up to try and get back together, but I told him that wasn’t going to happen. And that I never wanted to see him again.” She sighed again. “But I can only imagine what you are thinking.”

  Stella had no clue what he was thinking or how he was feeling. Nathan could hardly wrap his head around it.

  “I know. I heard the whole thing,” he said.

  “You…how?”

  “The door was cracked. I heard you guys talking and I, uh, overheard your conversation.”

  Nathan waited for Stella to get indignant about him listening in to her private conversations and she’d have every right. But, naturally, her reaction was nothing like what he expected.

  “And?” she prompted.

  “And, what?”

  “And what did you think? Were you upset or relieved or confused or what?”

  Well, that was a tough one. He’d nearly put his fist through the door a few times, he’d nearly cried a few times, and he’d damn near smiled a few times.

  “I was…irritated…he was bothering you again. But you handled yourself very well. I don’t think you’ll be hearing from him again any time soon.”

  “Yeah, I think you’re right about that,” Stella said with a shaky laugh. “It felt good. Really good. I really needed that. I got to say everything I’ve been wanting to say for a really long time.”

  “That’s good.”

  “Nathan, you sound really weird. Are you sure you’re not freaked out about anything?”

  Oh, he was beyond freaked out.

  “I’m fine.”

  “I want to talk to you in person. Can you come over? I’m almost there. I can meet you,” she said.

  “Come over my house tonight. I’m behind you. I’ll follow you there,” he said.

  “You’re…” He saw Stella’s head turn and he waved. “What are you doing back there?”

  “I don’t like you driving home alone this late, so I came up after work to follow you home.” Only part of that was a lie.

  “You are half a creeper, Nathan!” Stella said, laughing. “And half a stalker. And very sweet. Thank you.”

  A few minutes later, they pulled in Nathan’s driveway.

  Stella smiled at him as she slammed the door shut. “If it’s not presumptuous, I might leave a set of clothes here for nights like this.” She gestured down to her rumpled scrubs. “These are so gross to wear after a shift, you know?”

  Nathan walked up the porch stairs. “You’re not going to need your clothes anyway,” he said so quietly he wasn’t sure Stella heard him.

  But then she laughed and wrapped her arms around him from behind. She pressed her cheek to his back as he unlocked the door. “Promise?”

  That’s one promise he knew he could keep, no problem.

  Nathan pushed the door open and stepped aside to let Stella in first.

  And held his breath…

  “Nathan…” Stella entered the front room slowly, taking it all in. She turned to face him; eyes wide. “What is all this?”

  Suddenly, Nathan felt like a huge asshole. He didn’t have the slightest idea how to do any of this and he was pretty sure he’d screwed it all up. And he sure as hell didn’t know how to explain his weird intentions to Stella.

  Nathan cleared his throat. “I called your sister. Nina. At the CPD, hoping she’d be at work. And she was.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “I, uh, asked her what some of your favorite stuff was. And then Danny and I stopped by the store got it. I…” Nathan gestured to the sad excuse for a romantic gesture. “…tried to, uh, put something together. For you.”

  Stella looked around at the bizarre arrangement of paper bowls on his candle lit coffee table. They contained such delicacies as chili cheese Fritos, double stuffed Oreos, honey roasted peanuts, and sliced up cheese danish – all illuminated by some tiny, white candles he’d found in the corner of the all night grocery store.

  “There’s, uh…” He cleared his throat again, choking on embarrassment and second thoughts. “…some Riesling in the fridge too. And some Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia in the freezer. And I got you a fresh Starbucks drink since the other melted. That’s in the freezer too.” He tried shrugging away some of the weirdness. “No big deal, but I figured you might be hungry after work, so…but if you don’t feel like it, it’s fine.”

  Nathan suddenly wished he’d planned for some cheesy romantic music. Or had turned on the TV. Or that Stella would say something. Soon. Because he was choking on the silence.

  But he still stood there without speaking. Because, although he had feelings – a lot of them, actually – he couldn’t seem to get them out. As usual. He’d never been able get them out properly. He’d never had the right words…couldn’t express things the way other people did so freely. He’d never quite figured out how to articulate his feelings into something someone else would understand. And there hadn’t been too many people asking, anyway, so it had sort of always worked out.

  But he wanted so badly to show Stella how he was feeling…how it had made him feel to hear the incredible things she’d said earlier to her asshole ex. How he knew he didn’t deserve her but, that he was selfish enough to take whatever she was willing to give anyway.

  That he loved her. And always would. No matter how things turned out.

  “Nathan…” She finally turned to look up at him, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “This is the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you so much.”

  In under three seconds, she was in his arms; their lips fused, all of Nathan’s embarrassment and inept social skills long forgotten. Stella gripped at his neck for leverage as she kissed him hard and deep and with all of the passion he loved her for.

  He’d meant to take it slow tonight. To spend a lot of time showing her exactly how much he cared for her and needed her and wanted her. To try to express some of what he was feeling with his body.

  Unfortunately, Stella didn’t seem to be looking for any tender lovemaking as she less-than-gently pushed him backwards until his calves hit the couch. Nathan’s butt drop
ped onto the couch and Stella straddled him; her hands cradling his face as she drove her tongue into his mouth over and over again…to a rhythm that matched the way their bodies were undulating against one another.

  Nathan grabbed her ass and flipped to get Stella lying beneath him. He reared back long enough to rip her snap button scrub cardigan open and push her tee shirt up over her breast.

  God, she was magnificent. All of her.

  He ran the pad of his thumb over her nipple; his mouth watering watching it tighten into a little dusky pink bud. Nathan lowered his head and took it into his mouth.

  Stella gasped and gripped the back of his neck. “Oh, God…Nathan…”

  Her back arched and her nails dug into his flesh as he flicked and sucked and swirled the nipple with his tongue. Needing more, Nathan released her breast and moved his mouth to the other side; running his lips along her marred flesh.

  “You are so beautiful,” he whispered against her skin.

  When he felt Stella’s chest jerk up and down beneath his mouth, he looked up to find her crying; silent tears slipping from either eye and sliding down the sides of her face.

  “Oh, Stella…what’s wrong, baby?” Nathan looked at her with such concern that Stella started crying even harder. “Did I do something wrong?”

  She laughed through her tears. “No, Nathan. You’re doing everything exactly right.”

  “Well, that’s a first,” he said and she laughed again.

  They stared into each other’s eyes for a few long seconds, Stella’s smile fading.

  She ran a finger down the middle of his face - over his forehead down his bridge of his nose and over his lips. “I’m afraid you’re not real,” she whispered. She studied every inch of his gorgeous face from his sad whiskey eyes, to the stubble on his chin, to the little scar on his upper lip. She traced the scar with her fingertip. “I’m too happy. And I love you way too much.” Stella searched his eyes. “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Do you know what I mean?”

  Stella watched his Adam’s Apple go up and down in his throat a few times. “Yes. Exactly,” he said throatily.

  “I love you, Nathan. You know that, right? And not just the good things. I love the bad things too. Not that they happened to you, but that they made you the man you are today. The strong, sensitive man that I respect and admire and love more than I ever thought I could love someone.” Stella cradled his face in her hands. “I love you so much, Nathan. So much it hurts.” She smiled. “In the best way possible.”

  Nathans’s breathing was fast and shallow and a fine sweat broke out across his upper lip. “I…” He searched her face, her eyes…Stella knew he was trying to say something. To express something. And she was pretty sure she knew what it was.

  “I know, mio caro. I know.” She pulled his lips to hers and kissed him slowly, gently, until they were back to the frenzied grinding they’d been doing before. A couple of minutes later, they’d slipped off the couch and were rolling around the floor.

  Stella got on top and broke away, panting, from their kiss. She tugged at his tee shirt. “I need this off now.” Nathan obliged; yanking it over his head and tossing it aside. Stella eyed his muscular, broad chest admiringly. She let out a long, lamenting sigh as she caressed the angles and planes of his chiseled pecs, shoulders, and biceps. “And this body isn’t making anything easier on me, Nathan. It drives me crazy.”

  Stella ran her hands up and down the tattoos on his upper arms. “These aren’t helping either.” She dragged her open palms down his six pack. “Or these.” When she got to his shorts waistband, Stella dipped a few fingers beneath it and tugged. When Nathan’s eyes widened, she lifted a brow.

  Stella smiled slyly. “What going on under here, I wonder…” She tugged a little harder; coming close to, but not quite, freeing his erection. Nathan’s panted as he watched her down his body. “Let’s see…” Stella ran an open palm over the underside of his enormous erection and Nathan groaned loudly. When she gripped it tight and squeezed, he gasped. She ran her hand up and down his shaft once. And then again. “…this might be the most distracting thing of all.”

  “Stella…oh, god…please don’t stop…”

  When he lifted his pelvis, pushing himself harder into Stella’s hand, she laughed throatily. “You like that, huh?”

  He shot her a dark, dirty look and Stella laughed again. “Okay, okay…no more games.” She yanked down his knit shorts with both hands. Now, all that remained between her hands and his erection was a thin pair of blue plaid boxers.

  She quirked a brow and plucked at the waistband of his boxers. “Should we get these off and really see what’s going on in there, Nathan?”

  “You said no more games,” he gritted out as Stella ran the back of her fingers over the tip of his penis. His eyes squeezed shut and his hands balled into fists. “Christ, Stella…I can’t take much more…please…”

  “Poor baby.” Stella tugged down the boxers and Nathan’s huge, rock hard erection sprang free. She wrapped both hands around it and squeezed. “Incredible, Nathan.” Stella ran the pad of her thumb over the tip of his penis, loving the way Nathan growled in the back of his throat.

  He was watching her pleasure him from under hooded lids and it was getting her hot. And wet. But she was going to have to wait a few more minutes for her own release. Because there was something she’d been dying to do to this man.

  Without warning, Stella dropped her head and took Nathan’s erection deep into her mouth.

  “Fuck! Stella! Oh, God!” he yelled out; his hands burying in her hair.

  This was no porno or romance novel…the blow job she was giving him was no effortless act. Nathan was huge and Stella was really unpracticed at this. But his steely warmth felt really good against her teeth and tongue and lips and Stella reveled in being able to give Nathan so much pleasure.

  And he was enjoying it. Thoroughly. Digging his heels into the floor and moaning loudly as Stella sucked and licked and nuzzled him.

  “Shit!” Nathan jerked himself out of her mouth and had her on her back before Stella knew what happened. He yanked her scrub bottoms down in one movement, ripped her panties off, and thrust himself inside of her.

  “Oh, God, yes…” Stella wrapped her legs around his waist and held onto his biceps for dear life as he drove himself into her hard and rough over and over and over. She came almost instantly, crying out his name as she shattered beneath him.

  It only took Nathan a few more strokes to join her; yelling out her name as he pumped his orgasm into her for what felt like forever. With his body’s final shuddering expulsion, Nathan dropped to his elbows on either side of her face and dipped his head into her neck.

  They stayed there for a long time…panting hard, hot breaths against each others damp flesh as their bodies – pounding heartbeats reaching out to each other from beneath their ribcages – as they tried to recover enough to move. Or speak.

  Finally Nathan rolled off and onto the floor next to her. He flung his forearm over his eyes and exhaled a long, shuddering breath. “Jesus, Stella…”

  Stella rolled onto her side and pressed her lips to his bicep. “See what being sweet gets you?”

  Nathan laughed. Out loud. “Hell, yeah. I’ll be trying to be sweet a lot more often.”

  Stella ran her fingertip down the side of his face. “I like hearing you laugh. It makes me really, really happy.”

  “Yeah, well, don’t used to it. It doesn’t happen very often.”

  “We’re gonna have to change that. ‘Cause you look so stinkin’ adorable when you do it,” she said with a playful pinch to his side.

  Nathan gave her one of his long, inscrutable, and intense looks.

  “What?” she whispered, her smile fading.

  “I don’t like laughing. It makes me feel weak. And self-conscious. I’m not a big fan of smiling either. For the same reasons. And crying, obviously…that’s just…” Nathan shuddered. He met her eyes and searched them; most
definitely gauging her possible reactions to such an honest admission. Nathan exhaled a harsh laugh. “I don’t even like doing those things when I’m alone. Is that the most fucked-up thing you’ve ever heard, or what?”

  “Uh, no. The most fucked-up thing I’ve ever heard is my 82 year old next door neighbors getting busy in their shower. Don’t get me wrong…it was very sweet and I say, dio li benedica – God bless ‘em, you know.” She grinned at Nathan. “But it was still pretty fucked-up.”

  Nathan scoffed, but a little smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

  “And I don’t think there’s anything surprising about you not wanting to reveal your emotional hand to anyone. In fact, I think it makes perfect sense. Your entire life people have been manipulating you and abusing you…why would you trust them with your feelings? It would be more surprising if you were willing to express your feelings.” Stella shrugged. “I’m like that a little too…or at least I try to be. I’m terrible at it though.”

  “Did you try to hide feelings from me?” he asked, brows furrowed.

  “Well, of course. I liked you the moment I met you, but I couldn’t let you know that. Plus, I figured you were a married cheating asshole anyway.”

  Nathan reared back. “What gave you that impression?”

  “I figured you were way too hot to be single. And I typically think most guys are cheating assholes, so that’s that. And even when I found out you were single, I still tried not to be too transparent. It’s not my strong suit, though.” Stella shrugged. “But being open gets people get hurt. When you tip your hand, you give other people the power to really wound you. So maybe there’s something to be said for keeping some things to yourself.”

  Nathan shrugged. “Okay, well, then I’ll just keep everything to myself from now on.”

  “No!” Stella sat straight up. “That’s not what I meant! No regression, Nathan!” She playfully poked his side. “Plus, that philosophy doesn’t apply to me. Your feelings are safe with me. I would never judge you or hurt you.”