All of Me Page 19

  “I love watching you fuck me,” he whispered hoarsely when he caught her watching him from under hooded lids.

  When Stella dropped her eyes to watch what he’d been watching, Nathan almost came. Which worked out well, because Stella took one look at their manic coupling and shattered around him. She threw her head back and cried out his name and Nathan reveled in the pulsing of her body as she came around him.

  He thrust a few more times and found his own insanely incredible release. Stella melted into him, limp and shaky and Nathan held her tight against his chest. A few minutes later, they both drifted back to sleep.

  Sated. Peaceful. And happy.

  ***

  Stella slammed on her brakes the second she turned onto her street. Because there was a car in her driveway she’d never though she seen in her driveway again.

  And no one was in the car, which meant that person was – dear, God – in her house. With Nathan. Alone.

  Stella floored it and braked in front of her house with a squeal of rubber on pavement. She forgot all about the coffees she’d run up to Dunkin’ Donuts to get and scurried up to her door. It was wide open, which meant there was no delay for the shit show she was about to stumble into.

  But when she walked in, all Stella found was Ryan sitting on her couch, drinking a beer, like it was the most natural thing on Earth. No sign of Nathan anywhere.

  “Uh, just make yourself at home.” At Ryan’s grin, Stella lifted her hands. “Ryan, what in the hell are you doing here?”

  “I came by to see how you were doing. And maybe take you to lunch.” Ryan’s blue eyes narrowed. “You can imagine my surprise when I found a dude in your house. In his boxers.”

  “Why would that surprise you? You know nothing about me or my life anymore.”

  “And he seemed pretty damned surprised to see me too.” Ryan eyed her. “Is that the Cleveland cop I heard you were dating?”

  “No, Ryan, I’m sleeping with my neighborhood patrolman.” Stella rolled her eyes and stalked toward her bedroom. “Of course it’s the guy I’m dating.”

  Stella found Nathan in her bedroom tying up his shoes. When he looked up and met her eyes, Stella winced at the steeliness there.

  “Nathan, I swear to God, I had no idea he was coming over.” Stella walked over and sat next to him on the edge of the bed. “I haven’t seen him in a year months. I can’t even begin to imagine what the hell he’s doing here.”

  “I’m pretty sure I can imagine.”

  Stella grabbed his arm and forced him to face her. “You can’t believe I knew about this. Or wanted it. Or wanted him. In any way. You couldn’t possibly be that ridiculous, right, Nathan?”

  Nathan pulled his arm back and stood up. He teetered a bit and Stella figured his head was spinning. He had to have one hell of a hangover, which is why she’d gone out for coffee while he was sleeping.

  He slipped his Indians hat on backwards. “I’m leaving.”

  “No. You’re not. He is.” Stella beat him to the door and stalked out to find Ryan still sitting on her couch. “Ryan, you need to leave. Now.”

  “I want to talk to you. Give me five minutes.” Ryan glanced over her shoulder at Nathan and smirked. “I’m sure your friend won’t mind, will you, brother?”

  “Fuck you!” Nathan lunged at Ryan who had wisely jumped up and moved out of the way.

  “Nathan! Stop it!” Stella grabbed Nathan’s arm and pulled as hard as she could. It didn’t deter him, but it slowed him down enough for Stella to position herself between the two men. “Nathan, please stop! It’s not necessary! He’s leaving!”

  “Says who?” Ryan said and Nathan lunged again.

  But he wasn’t going to shove Stella and he couldn’t get to Ryan without doing that, so Nathan backed off.

  Stella grabbed Nathan’s hand and turned to face Ryan. “Ryan, I’m dead serious. Get out of my house or I’m going to call the police.”

  “You’re not gonna need to call the police. ‘Cause I’m about to throw him out on his ass, no back up required.” Nathan stepped toward Ryan and Stella gave him a good, hard yank back.

  “No need to get all worked up, my man,” Ryan said, hands up, smirk still in place. “Stella, I’ll drop by some other time. When you don’t have company.”

  “Like hell you will!” This time when Nathan lunged, Stella couldn’t hold him back.

  Ryan very wisely slipped out the front door before Nathan could get to him. Ryan was well-built and not a short guy, but Nathan had about four inches and fifty pounds on him. Plus, Nathan was enraged. And a cop. Even as stupid as Ryan obviously was, he wasn’t stupid enough to take on a pissed off, hung over fellow police officer.

  And Stella was very glad because she had no doubt Nathan could be very dangerous with those hands. He’d grown up having to defend himself and Stella knew if Nathan got his hands on a mama’s boy like Ryan, there’d be nothing left.

  As soon as Ryan’s truck pulled out of the driveway, Nathan sank onto her couch and dropped his (probably throbbing and spinning) head into his hands. Stella grabbed some Motrin out of the cupboard and a bottled water out of the fridge. She went back into the living room and handed Nathan both.

  He swallowed down the Motrin and polished off half the bottle of water.

  “Drink the rest,” Stella said, sitting down next to him. “You’re probably dehydrated from all that alcohol.”

  Nathan stared at the water bottle he was cradling with both hands. “Why was he here? Is there still something going on between you two?”

  Stella knelt down; positioning herself between Nathan’s splayed knees in front of the couch. She braced one hand on each of his thighs and looked him directly in the eyes. “There is nothing – nothing – going on between us. I swear to you that I haven’t seen him or talked to him in any capacity in a year, Nathan. My guess is he heard I was dating someone and showed up here to make trouble. He’s very immature like that.”

  Stella searched his sad, whiskey eyes. “You know what he did to me. What he said about me. Do you really think I would ever so much as speak to him again, let alone…” She scrunched up her face. “Ugh. I can’t even say it.” Stella stood and straddled Nathan; leaning him back into the couch and wrapping her arms around his neck. “But none of that would matter anyway because I’m in love with someone else.”

  Nathan grunted. “That’s some lucky bastard.” He eyed her lips, which were very close to his own.

  “Oh, yes. Very…” Stella kissed him. “Very…” She kissed him again. “Lucky.” She cast a glance at the cable box clock. “I’ve got two hours until I have to leave for work.” She gave Nathan a sly smile. “Wanna see how lucky he can be?”

  Chapter Twenty

  “I assume you’re not stopping by Marshall’s bachelor party with me tonight?”

  “No.”

  “Because you think Marshall is a sleazy prick or because it’s at a strip club?” Danny asked.

  “A – I want to spend the evening with Stella. B – Marshall is a sleazy prick who has no business getting married considering he screws anything with a heartbeat. And, C – I don’t do strip clubs. I can’t stand those places and you know it.” Nathan shot him a look. “That answer your question?”

  “Yep. And, no problem. Just means more strippers and booze for the rest of us.”

  “Be careful, Danny, okay? I worry about you in those situations. You have no personal limits and when you mix with other people who have no personal limits, crazy shit happens.”

  Danny grinned. “That’s what I’m hoping.”

  “I never understood that tradition anyway. “A man – or woman – is about to make a lifetime commitment to another person, so what do you do? Purposefully put them in a tempting situation where bad decisions can be made and relationships have the potential to be destroyed.” He shook his head. “Never made a bit of sense to me, but whatever.”

  He knew he sounded like…well, as Stella would say…Sergeant Stickler, but facts wer
e facts.

  “When you and Stella get engaged, I am going to throw you the sickest, most twisted bachelor party ever. We’re going to have the raunchiest strippers money can buy, a lesbian act, top shelf booze…” Danny paused. “…and a chocolate fountain. ‘Cause I’m dying to rent one of those bitches for any reason whatsoever.”

  “Your fucked-up party planning sounds like my own personal version of Hell, but thanks, anyway,” Nathan said. “And Stella I are not getting engaged.”

  Danny gave him a sideways glance. “Uh-huh.” He pointed to the hospital. “Does she know you’re coming?”

  They pulled into St. Mary’s Emergency Room parking lot.

  “Nope. I thought I’d surprise her.”

  “What the hell is that called again?” Danny gestured to the Starbucks cup. “Mocha-Stinka-Frappa-Shitta?”

  “Yeah, that’s it.”

  “Whatever it is, it looks damn good. I love shit like that, but I am way too much man-“ Nathan scoffed. “…to order one of those.”

  “Whatever, Rambo. Just keep your mitts off that. It’s for Stella.”

  “You do realize you are completely whipped, don’t you, man? Don’t get me wrong…it’s sweet. But, as your best buddy and partner, it’s important I make that fact that very clear to you. The minute you pulled through and ordered that caramel nightmare because your woman likes them – and probably just because you needed an excuse to see her - signifies that you are completely, totally, and nauseatingly pussy-whipped. You’ve made your peace with that, right?”

  Nathan pulled the cruiser along the curb and parked. He grabbed the drink and popped the locks. “I don’t like you using that word in any sort of context related to Stella. But, yeah. I’m aware and I’ve made my peace with it.” At Danny’s loud bark of laughter, Nathan cracked a half-smile.

  Because he was happy. And he was about to get happier because, in a minute, he was going to see Stella. And do something nice for her.

  Nathan approached the triage desk and asked for Stella. Thanks to his uniform (and probably the Iced Caramel Macchiato he was holding), the triage nurse buzzed him right back. As Nathan came up on the nurse’s station, he saw Stella’s friend Christopher talking to another nurse.

  When he saw Nathan, an odd expression crossed his face as he lifted a hand to wave. “Hey, there, officer.” Christopher excused himself from the conversation and walked over to Nathan. “I’m assuming from that –“ He gestured to the drink. “…that you’re looking for Stella?” He was acting all nervous; smiling tightly and casting quick glances over each shoulder.

  “Yes. Is she around?” Nathan scoped out the ER, but didn’t see any sign of Stella.

  “Uh, yeah…” Christopher wrung his hands. “I think she’s out in the break area.” He backed up a few steps. “I’ll go grab her.”

  “No problem. I know where it is. I’ll go find her myself,” Nathan said, already walking away.

  “Er…no, that’s okay! I’ll grab her!” Christopher’s manic attempts at preventing Nathan from finding Stella were…interesting. And needless.

  “I already know she’s smoking out there, so you don’t have to cover for her. But I appreciate you trying to be a good friend and save her from one of my no smoking lectures,” Nathan said with a tight smile. “I’ll go easy on her.”

  He sidestepped Christopher and kept going; ignoring the dramatically loud sigh trailing after him. The ER was slow for a Saturday night and Nathan sailed right to the back door.

  It was already propped open with an (of all things) oxygen tank. But, before Nathan could step outside, he stopped by the sound of Stella’s voice.

  “I don’t appreciate you showing up here like this, but okay. If it means you’ll leave me alone, you can have your five minutes. Go.”

  A male voice – his voice – said, “I want you back.”

  Nathan’s heart dropped. And his blood pressure skyrocketed. And he saw red.

  But he didn’t move. Or say anything. He wasn’t sure he could have if he’d tried.

  Because some sick, sadistic side of him wanted to hear this.

  ***

  “Are you kidding me right now, Ryan? How ridiculous!” Stella uncrossed her legs and leaned forward. “You couldn’t possibly be serious!”

  “I am dead serious.” Ryan paced back and forth between the back door and some hedges. “I’ve spent the year kicking myself for what I did to you. I’ve thought about calling and coming over a million times.” He shot her a dark look. “And then I finally do, only to find another man in your house. In our bed.”

  “Oh, it’s not ‘our’ bed, Ryan, don’t worry about that. I threw that bed away the day I heard all the horrible things you’d said about me.”

  Stella wanted to tell him that nothing he’d performed in that bed had been at all impressive anyway, but decided that was too cruel – even for the likes of him.

  “I didn’t mean any of that, Stella, and you know it. I said it to save face. Because I knew you were going to break up with me. I didn’t want to look like an asshole in front of everyone. What kind of guy gets dumped by a girl who is deathly sick?”

  Stella stared up at him, mouth agape. “I’m sorry, did you just say you told everyone in the Shaker Heights PD all about my grotesque cancer side effects and how much I repulsed you because you didn’t want to look like an asshole?” She barked out a loud laugh. “Well, that sure backfired, didn’t it?”

  “Yes. I acted like a complete asshole. And they gave me hell about it. And I deserved it. I deserved all of it, Stella. But I was confused and scared and stupid. I didn’t know how to handle any of that.”

  Ryan crouched down in front of her. When he went to place his hands on her knees, Stella slapped them away, so he put them on his own knees instead. “But I’ve changed. And I’ve realized how much you mean to me.”

  His dark blue eyes surrounded by those black lashes were as interesting and lovely as Stella remembered, but they no longer held any allure. Or even objective beauty. Now looking into them made Stella feel empty…and stupid for ever liking this person, let alone fooling herself into thinking she loved him.

  “But, Ryan, I still only have one breast. How could you possibly be with me? I’m deformed and half a woman, remember?”

  Despite her best attempt at keeping cool, Stella’s eyes welled up. All of the hurt, anger, and pain came rushing back in a humongous tidal wave of raw emotion. It didn’t hurt as acutely as it once had, but, obviously, it still had the ability to affect her…as was evident by the shakes, barely held back tears, and tightening in her chest.

  Ryan stood and stepped back. “I never said ‘deformed,’” he replied feebly.

  “Oh, but ‘half a woman’ isn’t so bad, right?” Stella shot out of her seat and pointed at his chest. “And don’t you even try to deny it! I know you said it because you said almost the same thing to me…just a little more sugar-coated.”

  Suddenly, the painful memories robbed her of her breath and Stella dropped her hand.

  She stared into Ryan’s widened eyes, head shaking, and whispered, “You said my scar was disgusting, Ryan. The rest of the stuff – the hair loss and the vomiting and the weight loss – that would have been horrible enough to poke fun at. But to say it about my scar? That I got from my surgery? From a surgery I needed to stay alive?” The tears she’d been trying so hard to hold back rolled down her cheeks. “How could you think such a thing, let alone say it out loud to a roomful of strangers?”

  “I knew you didn’t want to be with me anymore, Stella. I could tell. I wanted to save face. I know it was wrong and stupid and that’s why I’m here apologizing.”

  “A year later! And I didn’t want to be with you anymore because you showed your true colors the second I got sick. You were nothing but insensitive, absent, and totally self-absorbed. I put up with it for a little while because I was too sick and too scared to deal with your bullshit on top of taking care of myself. But that only bought you a few weeks becaus
e even balding, sick, and possibly dying, I thought way too much of myself to allow someone to treat me that way.”

  “Let’s put it in perspective, okay? We’d only been dating a few months when you were diagnosed. Of course I was scared and freaked out. Yes, I was immature and handled things totally wrong, but what did you expect? That I’d instantly drop everything and devote myself to caring for someone who was that sick?” Ryan scoffed. “Name me one guy who would do that, Stella.”

  “I can think of one guy right off the bat. And he’s the only guy that matters. And who will ever matter.”

  “Who, that Cleveland cop? Give me a break, Stella. From what I hear, the guy is a total bore. Mr. Rules and Regulations. Mr. By The Book.” Ryan snorted. “Exactly opposite of you, by the way.”

  Stella took a good look at Ryan. And at herself…at the person she’d been a year and a half ago when she’d started dating him. She looked at all of the pieces and tried to make everything fit. To figure out how in the hell things had gone the way they’d gone.

  “I think that’s what I liked about you, Ryan. At first. You seemed as hell-bent on doing things your way as I was about doing things my way. I admired your willingness to buck the system and to stand up for what you believed in. I thought your passion came from wanting to do the right thing the right way. You were so good at making your motives seem altruistic and kind.”

  Stella shook her head. “But that isn’t you at all. You are a very scared person and a very insecure person who feels the need to belittle others – even those physically and emotionally weaker than yourself – to feel stronger. You’re not loud about it and you’re not over the top, which is how you tricked me for as long as you did. And I wanted so badly to feel something for someone…to connect and to share and to experience things.” She stared up at him, her understanding dawning. “I’m disappointed in myself that I was so desperate to connect with someone emotionally that lost all good judgment. But I’ve beat myself up for those bad decisions over and over and over again for the past year and I’m done with that now.”