All of Me Page 13
She wrapped her arms around his midsection and rested her cheek against his chest. “I’m so happy to see you. I missed you, too. And, God, you smell good.”
Nathan felt…affected. They’d kissed, groped, and had sex, but somehow that wasn’t as intimate as the hug they were sharing. And how did she know Nathan had been missing her?
Uh, maybe showing up at her work in the middle of both of your shifts was a tip-off, dumb ass.
“I don’t think I’ll be having more problems with Mr. Lewis.”
Nathan grunted, tightening his hold. “I could never understand why hospitals hire little boys and old men for security guards. They’re useless. Fucking pisses me off.” He lowered his nose to Stella’s head and prayed like hell she didn’t realize he was sniffing her too.
“We can usually handle patients fine by ourselves, but every once in a while the nurses need some help. And they’re really nice guys. They try.”
Nathan, irrationally pissed off that other men were “helping” Stella in any way, scoffed. “That secretary behind the desk could handle guys like that better than those rent-a-cops.”
Stella propped her chin on Nathan’s chest and looked up at him. She smiled. “Esther is no joke. She has nine kids and a very low tolerance for BS. We love her.”
Stella quirked a dark brow and slowly lowered her hands to Nathan’s ass. She squeezed and Nathan’s vision went hazy. “Things went way too fast last time…I never got a good look at you. We’ve gotta go much slower next time.
Nathan swallowed hard. “Next time?”
“What time do you get off? I’m off at 11:30 tonight…I could meet you at my place at midnight.”
Tell her no. You have to think about things and get them sorted out in your head before you get any more involved. Tell her you work all night and can’t see her. Get your act together before you do anything stupid.
“I’m off at 11:00. I’ll pick you up here at 11:30. And we’ll go to my place.”
What. Are. You. Doing. Idiot.
But for some reason, Nathan wanted her there. In his bed.
He thought about the other women he’d had sex with in his bed and changed his mind.
“Never mind. We’ll do your place.”
Stella shook her head. “Nope, I want to see your house.” She poked him in the side. “I want to eat off your floors and see my reflection in your toaster.”
Nathan thought about his sparse, stark, silent house and relented. Because suddenly it seemed very important for Stella to go there.
He nodded. “I’ll be out front at 11:30.”
“I have to give report, so it might be more like 11:45, okay?”
“I’ll be out front at 11:30,” Nathan said.
Stella laughed and poked him again. “Okay, Sergeant Stickler.” She curled her fingers into the front of his uniform and pulled him down to her mouth again. After a quick nip at his bottom lip and a press of her lips to his, Stella pulled away.
Nathan pulled her back.
After a long, drugging kiss, Stella pulled away with a throaty laugh. “I’ve gotta go. Mr. Lewis will need some comforting that the big, bad officer isn’t coming back to get him.” She dug her keys out of her scrubs pocket and unlocked the door.
The reentered the ER and Stella walked him back to the entrance. When they approached the nurses’ station, the secretary – Esther - gave Nathan a thumbs up.
“Thanks, officer. You shut that guy up and I couldn’t be more grateful. You made our night.” She glanced at Stella and winked. “Didn’t he, Stell?”
Stella looked up at Nathan with an adoring look he knew he didn’t deserve and never would. “Sure did, Esther. He sure did.”
Nathan had to get out of there. Before he either pulled Stella into his arms again or ran away screaming.
He nodded at the secretary and looked at Stella. “Good-bye.”
She lifted her hand in a little wave. “Bye. Thanks, again.”
Nathan nodded and walked away. He made it to the automatic double doors before he heard a gaggle of female giggles and the chant “Stella’s got a boyfriend! Stella’s got a boyfriend!” Followed by Stella feverishly whispering, “Shut up, you guys!”
He pressed the side of his fist to the big silver button and strode out to where Danny was waiting in the cruiser.
He didn’t want to. Knew he shouldn’t. But Nathan couldn’t help it.
He grinned.
***
Stella stuck her thumb out as Nathan pulled his SUV along the curb outside the ER. As soon as he stopped, she climbed in and slammed the door behind her.
She smiled at him, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious. She’d all but told Nathan to pick her up so they could have long, drawn-out, thorough sex at his house. Never mind that’s exactly what she wanted to do, but it wasn’t like her to make herself so vulnerable. Especially after only knowing this guy for a short period of time.
But the truth was, she was in love with him. Had been since he’d held her against his chest during her near arrest.
What a lovely story for the grandkids.
“Did you have dinner?” Nathan’s question interrupted Stella’s musings. “Are you hungry?”
But the whole tone had changed for Stella. Because she’d just admitted something huge and scary and weird to herself. She was in love with this man. That, despite her best laid plans this quiet, sad man had stolen her heart.
But why is he into you? When there are plenty of whole women out there? Like Nadia. What is this guy’s game? He must have women throwing themselves at him constantly. Why is he hanging around? He probably thinks you’re easy. You’re vulnerable and desperate…such a mark. He’ll use you up and spit you out.
Tears pricked the backs of Stella’s eyelids. She fidgeted with her lanyard to keep her hands busy and her eyes downcast. This was the self-shaming, destructive self-talk she and Jen had worked so hard to overcome. And Stella had thought she had overcome it, for the most part.
“Stella?”
She cleared her throat. “Uh, yeah?”
“Are you hungry?”
Stella shook her head. “No. Thanks.”
They drove in uncomfortable silence all the way to his house, which was a really cute bungalow a few streets over from Stella’s house.
After he’d parked in the driveway, Nathan faced her. “Have you changed your mind about this?” he asked quietly. “Because that’s okay. I can take you home right now.”
There was something so vulnerable and heartbreaking in his eyes that Stella burst into tears.
Nathan’s alarmed expression made her laugh through her tears. “I’m sorry…I’m such an emotional wreck. Obviously. But I’m fine. Really.”
“Do you…do you want me to take you home?”
“What, a hysterical woman isn’t a turn on?” Nathan’s brow furrowed and she waved off his confusion. “I’m just teasing, Nathan. Sorry.”
He shut off the car. “Why don’t we go in for a minute?” One corner of his mouth turned up slightly. “There’s a toaster with your name on it.”
Stella laughed. “Of course. How could I forget about that?” She followed him out of the car and up the porch steps.
“I love these brick bungalows,” Stella said, running a hand over the dark reddish brown brick as Nathan unlocked the front door. “I wish I had bought brick instead of siding.”
She smiled when he grunted a response. The guy was an adorable caveman.
They stepped into his foyer area and Stella was immediately struck by the stillness. She had a bad habit of leaving her TV on when she went out, so Stella was always greeted by sound when she came in. But Nathan’s house was utterly still and silent and dark.
He flipped on a light and Stella got a better look at his front room. It was exactly as she’d expected: leather couch, simple TV stand with a flat screen TV, an end table, and matching coffee table. No clutter. No laundry. Gleaming oak floors and nothing on the walls. Not a picture in sight.
“Ah.” He cleared his throat. “Would you, uh, like something to drink?”
Stella kicked her gross nursing shoes off by the coat rack. “Do you have any wine?”
A weird look passed over Nathan’s face. “No wine. I didn’t know you were coming or I would have gotten some.”
“Oh, that’s no problem. What do you have?”
“Juice. Water. Milk. Pop.”
“What kind of juice?” Stella followed him into his kitchen. “Wow…” She ran a hand over his cherry cabinets and stainless steel fridge. “This is beautiful, Nathan.”
He opened the fridge door. “I have cranberry and orange.”
“Cranberry, please. A ton of ice. Was the kitchen like this when you bought?”
“No, I redid it.” Stella loved watching him move. Especially in that uniform. Although she’d prefer he lose it right about now.
“Well, you did a great job. It’s so tasteful and…” Stella smiled at him. “…clean.”
He handed her the cranberry juice. “Thanks.”
Stella took a long sip because suddenly her mouth was very dry. Probably because they were standing very close together. In Nathan’s personal space. And Stella had been obsessing about his motives and her stupidity.
Stella watched, with bated breath and shaking hands, as Nathan unholstered his gun and laid it on the counter. He undid his utility belt and put it next to the gun.
“Might want to keep that handy,” Stella joked. Because she always made stupid jokes when she was nervous and/or afraid. At Nathan’s lifted brows, she added, “I’m a brawler, remember?”
His eyes bored into hers. “I think I can handle you.”
Stella shivered at the promise in his voice.
Oh, I know you can.
Stella wanted to jump on him. Instead she asked, “Can you give me a tour?”
Nathan was as effusive a tour guide as he was a conversationalist and the Grand Tour was over in thirty seconds flat. The rest of his house was as neat and austere as his front room. It looked like he’d purchased the builder’s model home and never changed a thing. There was nothing personal anywhere to be found – not a picture, not knick-knack, not even a stinking piece of mail laying around.
The whole scene really made Stella sad. Nathan was somehow an island, even in his own house. No connections, no feelings, and no one around.
Stella thought of what Gigi and Pops had told her about Nathan’s childhood. She wanted to grill him and interrogate him and ask him a million questions about himself and his life.
But it would have to wait because, right now, she wanted to get as close to him as possible. She’d never met a person who needed closeness as much as this man did and that was without even knowing most of the facts.
Nathan might not like what he saw and felt, but Stella would have to take that chance. She’d been rejected before and survived. Never mind that rejection from Ryan couldn’t hold a candle to what rejection from Nathan would do to her.
He needs you.
And Stella needed him.
She grabbed his hand and slowly pulled him toward the bedroom he’d showed her.
Chapter Fourteen
It seemed wrong to be here with Stella. In a room where he’d screwed women he hadn’t really cared about. Hell, he hadn’t even known he was capable of caring about anyone before he’d met her.
Stella climbed into his bed and got up on her knees. She crooked a finger at him and her little smile nearly buckled his knees.
His chest tightened because she lit up the whole room. Instead of feeling like a showroom display at a department store, his bedroom suddenly felt alive. Stella had rumpled the sheets with her jump up there and his bed looked warm and inviting. With her in it. On her knees. Wild, dark hair around her face. Looking at him like that. Like she couldn’t wait to sink her teeth into him.
Nathan shuddered.
When Nathan didn’t move, Stella scooted off the bed and came to him. She smiled as she slowly unbuttoning his uniform shirt.
Remembering what was beneath the tee shirt beneath the uniform shirt, Nathan grabbed her wrists gently.
They had to do this in the dark or not at all. It’s the way he’d always done it and the only way he’d do it.
Nathan walked over to the lamp next to his bed that Stella had turned on. He switched it off and turned back to her. The room wasn’t completely dark. There was moonlight streaks coming in through his blinds and the hallway light was on, but it was dark enough to get the job done.
Unfortunately, when Nathan went to embrace Stella, she smacked his hands away. “What’s wrong?”
“Why did you turn that light off, Nathan? Tell the truth!”
“Uh, because that’s how people usually do this,” he said, with what he hoped was some authority.
Stella scoffed. Loudly. “Yeah. Right.” She shook her head. “You coward. Just be honest with me. I’d respect that a lot more.”
She must have seen more of his body than Nathan remembered. He’d been certain she hadn’t noticed anything weird because both times the sex had been very quick and very little clothing had been removed. But obviously Stella had noticed stuff and was now irate that Nathan wanted to keep his shit to himself. Which really pissed him off.
“I don’t see you whipping off your clothes in front of me either,” he shot back.
Stella’s anger morphed into confusion. “What do you mean?”
“You’re coming at me because I don’t want you to see shit that’s going on with my body, but you’re playing the same game.”
“I was talking about my body.” She eyed him. “What’s going on with your body that you don’t want me to see?”
Well, shit.
Not like this conversation wasn’t going to happen eventually anyway. Nathan couldn’t have kept his clothes on every time they were intimate. And apparently Stella wasn’t into doing it in the dark, which is how Nathan had typically kept at least most of his damage a secret before.
But she’d thought he was turning the light off because of her scars and that made him sick.
Nathan switched the lamp back on and approached a wide-eyed Stella. She put her hand up to touch his chest and Nathan allowed it because he was still fully dressed.
He lowered his lips to hers. With a soft sigh, Stella wrapped a hand around the back of Nathan’s neck and pulled him closer. Nathan let Stella control the pace of their kissing and she seemed very happy to let him devour her mouth slowly. Tenderly.
With another mind-fucking sigh, she melted against him; snaking both arms around his neck and pressing her body into his. Nathan found the hem of her little white tee shirt and lifted it slowly.
Stella squirmed away. “I…I-“ She stepped backward and laughed shakily. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that Nathan. And I really don’t think you’re ready for it.”
Nathan had no idea where in the hell the words came from, but suddenly they were there. “I need to see you. I am dying to get my hands and my mouth on you. All of you.”
His heart broke at her wince because he knew exactly how she felt. And, yes, he was the biggest hypocrite on earth because he had no intention of letting her see him, but her scars were nothing to be ashamed of. They were badges of honor.
“You’ve never seen anything like this, Nathan. It’s…” Stella shook her head, choking up. “It’s jarring. Even for people who are used to seeing bad stuff.”
Like your asshole ex-boyfriend.
Nathan made a mental note to seriously fuck that guy up.
“I know what a mastectomy scar looks like because I looked it up.” At her surprised look, he shrugged. “I never knew anyone who had one before. I was curious.”
Tears fell down each cheek. “So you know how hideous
it is?”
“Actually, I didn’t think it was hideous at all,” he answered truthfully. “It looked painful and like something no one should have to go through, but the scars themselves were really no big deal.”
“It’s different in person,” Stella whispered, wrapping her arms around her midsection. “And my surgery was only six months ago, so the scar is really vivid still.”
Nathan thought of a phrase his mother used to say to him sometimes, on her good days: “Bless your little heart.” He hadn’t thought about it since her death, but that’s exactly how he felt about Stella – standing there so strong and vulnerable and terrified Nathan was going to judge her. Reject her. Walk out on her. And yet she was still here, hanging tough.
Bless your little heart.
Nathan locked eyes with her. “I need to see you, Stella. I want to and I need to. I know you have no reason to trust me and that I am asking a great deal of you. But, please, Stella…” Nathan lifted her shirt slowly…over her hip, over her stomach…when the shirt grazed over her chest area, Stella’s eyes squeezed shut. Nathan pulled the shirt over her head and tossed it aside.
She was wearing a leopard print bra that made him want to smile. The right breast was there, but in the left cup was a round, light colored thing. Stella winced as Nathan pulled it out of the cup and examined it.
It was a squishy, half-circle insert. He tossed it on top of her shirt on the floor.
Stella’s eyes were squeezed so tight it was miracle tears were still able to get out…but they did. Her face was tear-streaked and flushed…beads of perspiration had broken out across the top of her lip.
Stella’s breathing was very rapid and shallow and her entire body was trembling. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen a human being so terrified and he’d done four tours in Afghanistan.
Nathan pushed her right bra strap down her arm. When he went to do the other one, Stella pulled back. “No, Little One. No more hiding.” Conveniently, her bra hooked in front, so all Nathan had to do was unclasp it and all of Stella’s secrets would spill out.